Readers offer hilarious “Surgeon General Warning” labels for weeds
Although the cannabis industry doesn’t seem to agree on when or if federal legalization of marijuana will happen soon, the democratically controlled Congress plans to push a liberal pot policy later this year.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer says he wants to pass a comprehensive cannabis reform bill that will allow small businesses to thrive nationwide while preventing the scourge of big tobacco and big alcohol from invading their pockets and taking power .
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One way or another, federal marijuana legalization will change things for an industry that currently only operates by the rules and regulations set by their respective states. It means that in the years to come we could see a time when cannabis is under the thumb of our good old uncle Sam, who is forced to follow stricter guidelines just like other legal substances.
There is no doubt that this will bring the emergence of cannabis product warnings at the federal level. You know the:
GENERAL SURGERY WARNING: Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and can make pregnancy difficult.
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the General Surgeon, consuming alcoholic beverages affects your ability to drive or use machines and can cause health problems.
These warning labels are the federal government’s weak attempt to alert consumers to the potential dangers of using these products. Some studies show that warning signs discourage their use to some extent, yet hundreds of thousands of people across the country die from alcohol and tobacco every year. Although proponents swear weeds are safer than these products, cannabis will be no exception. Federal health officials will be serious about putting warning labels on cannabis smoke and edibles once weeds are as legal as alcohol and cigarettes.
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Presumably, a nation of pot smokers can expect weed warnings to sound something like this:
WARNING: Smoking cannabis can cause lung cancer, heart disease, and complicated pregnancy. Cannabis products of any kind interfere with your ability to drive or use machines.
But what if the average stoner was hired to write those labels? What would they look like then? Fresh Toast readers stepped in to convey us the surgeon’s general warnings that the nation would no doubt see whether cannabis users were responsible for their creation. We were pretty amused.
These are some of our favorites.
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WARNING: Cannabis can cause nibbles. Don’t be surprised if you’re in the kitchen at 1 a.m. mixing all sorts of bizarre concoctions (ramen wrapped hot dogs, SpaghettiOs pizza, peanut butter, and cucumber sandwich) with the leftovers you have in the fridge.
WARNING: Cannabis can cause waistline enlargement. The Surgeon General warns that although studies show that Stoner could opt for healthier choices to tame the nibbles, most will still order pizza and tacos later when they find that turkey bread, an apple, three Oranges and a pound of grapes didn’t cut it.
RELATED: Vaping THC Vs. Nicotine Smoking: Study Shows Which Is Riskier
WARNING: Cannabis can lead to pregnancy. Le RAWR!
WARNING: Cannabis can … Ah, just forget about it, man. Look at the pretty lights.
WARNING: Cannabis can lead to forgetfulness. Wait what should i write?
WARNING: Cannabis can cause paranoia. Don’t look out the window. Seriously, just not!
WARNING: Cannabis can cause you to misplace things. Things like keys, wallet, phone, kids, and home can be invisible one second and reappear the next. Don’t ask us how that happens.
RELATED: What We Already Knew: Cannabis is a lot safer than cigarettes, surveys show
WARNING: Cannabis can lead to arrest in states that have not legalized it. So find a good place to hide your weeds when you travel. No, not there, you dummy. That’s the first place they’ll look. Not there either!
WARNING: Cannabis can make you hear voices. Like the nagging in your head as you read up this warning sign. What are you really doing with your life Is that the best you can do Why did you even get up this morning? Bring it together, man or whatever. – Uncle Sam.
No doubt life in these strange times would be so much better if you ran the show.