Dear Dabby, My husband prefers marijuana to our marriage, what should I do?

Dear Dabby: “My husband prefers marijuana to our marriage”

“Dear Abby” is a column in the New York Post where people submit their relationship problems and ask Abby – Abigail Van Buren aka Jeanne Phillips – for help. Abby offers sensible answers designed to help the women concerned.

Although I don’t read Dear Abby myself, I do have an alert for cannabis-related information on the internet, and this time Abby received a concerned letter from someone who described themselves as “anti-drugs.”

To be fair, I actually found myself wholeheartedly reading Abby’s response to the woman’s request and decided to add a section to it called “Dear Dabby” – where a red-eyed ganja plant answers relationship questions.

But first… how about some context.

Dear Abby’s original question…

I’ve been with my husband for seven years and I’m tired of having the same fight every day. He smokes marijuana and I hate it. It’s been a constant struggle for years. We tried therapy, which helped for a while, but he’s smoking behind my back again. We tried to find a compromise that he only smokes after a certain time of day, but it still leads to fights.

He shuts me out when he’s on drugs and says I don’t care about his happiness because he enjoys me taking it away from him. I love him so much but I hate drugs and I don’t like who he becomes when he smokes.

I want to have a baby, but I’m uncomfortable with drugs in the house. I feel like I can’t trust him to be alone with a baby when he’s high. I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t take it anymore. Having the same fight every day is exhausting and has had a really negative impact on our marriage. I want him to choose me over this, but if I give him an ultimatum, he’ll hate me. What can I do? – ANTI-DRUG IN ILLINOIS – SOURCE

Essentially, “anti-drug” is in a relationship where one person uses cannabis while the other is passionate about it…even to the point where they self-identify as “anti-drug” and, ironically, a Starbucks coffee slurps. Okay, maybe she’s not sipping coffee, but I’m almost positive she’ll get her “fix” in pumpkin spice season.

But I digress.

According to their distress, they have been “on” for years and have already tried therapies, compromises, etc. At the end of the day it’s an ideology battle and I’ll expand on that later as “Dabby” but first of all – let’s see what Abby had to say.

Give your husband this ultimatum and pack your bags. If you would prefer your child’s father not to have a marijuana habit and not be able to quit, then no matter how much you love him, this person is not for you. We’re sorry. – Abby, New York Post

Abby is right. In the case of “anti-drugs,” there’s no point in forcing someone to do something they don’t want. If they want to keep smoking weed, they don’t “choose” the substance from you, but because you made them do it – you create the conditions.

And that’s perfectly fine for any type of relationship. There are deal breakers in relationships, and it is those deal breakers that set the norms of the relationship. Without those boundaries — you can’t really call yourself a “couple” because you haven’t committed to the expectations of the relationship.

That being said, as Abby mentions, the husband will likely stick with the weed. And I’ll tell you why… but as… DABBY!

**lighter sounds**

**long steady inhalation**

**Cough cough**

Dear anti-drugs (Here’s Dabby!)

While I totally agree with Abby about the end of your relationship, there is a lot of room for growth as a result of your impending breakup. You see, I’ve written extensively about cannabis relationships in the past, and if there’s one thing I’ve seen over and over again, it’s that there’s always conflict when there’s a fundamental disagreement between cannabis use and abstinence.

Usually the source of conflict is the ‘non-user’ as I’m sure your husband will calm down when smoking cannabis and only act oddly or defensively when confronted with his use.

This is not to say that you are not entitled to a “drug-free environment,” it merely pits your ideological stance against your “love” for this man. You see, there are elements of the person you like, but you haven’t accepted them for who they are and prefer a version of them that they might not want to be. You now feel “conditioned” to live up to your expectations, and when that happens, the relationship takes a hit because one is right while the other is wrong.

Unless you can accept your husband for who he is, with his cannabis smoking and all, and learn to trust him around children – then you can salvage your relationship. However, that also means you have to give up something – your views on cannabis and drugs in general.

I don’t blame you for your attitude towards drugs. Perhaps your family grew up in a home where you believe that all medicines are bad (except medicines), or perhaps you have had bad experiences with them. Regardless, it seems that you’ve pretty much made your mind up on drugs, so you’ve already given your husband an ultimatum.

Your husband had already answered, so the ball is now back in your hands. Do you love him more than you hate drugs? Or does the mere thought of him being high repel you so much that you’ll never be fully open to being with him in a way that a nurturing relationship would work?

These are the tough questions to ask yourself over the next few weeks, and while I know you won’t be reading this article, I also speak to other people who are in a relationship where a person wants you something give up smoking. If you don’t want to, if you really don’t think it’s wrong – don’t break your habit.

If the person is more important than your smoking habit, you can try, but censoring yourself for someone else rarely works. It simply means that the person cannot accept you for who you are and needs a condition in order to be with you.

If there is a condition of being with someone, then there is no real love. Of course we need to respect each other, make space for each other, and try to adjust so that the other person feels heard and loved—but the moment we start drawing boundaries in the sand, we lose the glue of a relationship.

Therefore, “anti-drugs,” I would strongly encourage you to reconsider your views on drugs in general. They don’t “change” people as much as you think they do. Non-cannabis smokers often associate the “high” with inebriation when it comes to completely opposite spectra.

Nonetheless, you are entitled to your beliefs and for your next relationship find someone who loves to be a “deal breaker” in your relationship.

Set your boundaries, respect yourself – and when someone puts conditions on their love… they don’t really love you, they love the thought of you…

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